This time last year (May 2018) was an incredibly intense time in my life. I was deep in heartache at the ending of a beautiful relationship. In feeling the pain, hurt, and grief, I felt like a walking wound, tender to touch and dedicate every day.
Something very potent happened to me during this time, and I can see now that it was full initiation. Initiating into the essence of feminine expression. Initiating into what would become my path, my purpose and what is now my mission in sharing this work with other women.
I let myself feel FULLY. I let myself express. I naturally, each day, was guided to dance. I put on songs that evoked a feeling that was there within me, and I danced. I shared this. I let myself be witnessed in this, as I witnessed myself moving through the waves of emotion, in a way that felt right and clear to me.
I let myself be supported. I asked for support from people that I trusted could hold me in this and not tell me that 'everything would be ok.' I didn't need that, I knew that. I just needed to be heart and seen.
This time of my life showed me also that I had an abundance of love surrounding me. And in this time where one deep love connection was unravelling, instead of feeling a lack of love, I felt an overwhelming surge of it. I let myself feel it all. Though some people did reach out - in well-meaning intentions - to tell me 'chin up' and 'you'll be ok' and 'why' was I sharing my dances, I knew in my womb wisdom and heart body that in order to move through this clearly, I needed to express, to feel, to be in it, to be ok not being ok, and that to be seen in this could also show others that feeling and expressing is natural, healthy, beautiful and transformative. I also received reflections from many women who shared their gratitude for me expressing in this way, and showing them too that it is ok to feel, and safe to express.
My past experience of healing from mental and physical illness already gave me this capacity to know that I would come out of this with more wisdom, strength and grace. I already sensed what was being birthed, even in the death of this dynamic of life I had been living. AND even though I knew, I didn't let that stop me from being with where I was. From being in it, and not rushing it to get to the point I am now. I trusted that this point would eventually come. And it did.
What arose out of this initiation was a claiming of my own heart, my feminine flow, embodied wisdom and full expression. I had people telling me not long after, that I felt more ME - more full, more of the woman they sensed I was. I felt this too.
From this hurtful time, eventually it evolved into the most potent and special time of my life, and I honestly have nothing but gratitude for the man that made the decision for the both of us, to come to this ending. Where I couldn't make that decision, even though I knew in my core that we needed to part, he stepped up and in a loving and present way, did this for us.
When the pain settled, gratitude came. We had a parting cleansing ceremony at Tirta Empul water temple here in Bali, we saw each other daily still (as the nature of our community and work environment happened this way) and now I can say that he is a special and dear person in my life, that I have nothing but love and respect for. Even now, I can hug him in nostalgia, and this feels full of love, but not longing. Clear and calm, without pain.
I am also grateful for this experience which revealed to me how my heart wishes to receive love, presence and intimacy, and to have more discernment about what I attract in and let in. To continue to feel myself in relation to another and stay clear and free, grounded in my truth and open to what may come.
I have already felt connection with another from a depth that I have never experienced before, since claiming my feminine and letting her guide me. It's delicious, scary, powerful and amazing.
The gratitude also extends to myself, for having the courage and wisdom to feel through the murky-ness of this time, and to allow myself to be in it, feel, receive and express. Because now, when I share this work with other women, it is coming from experience. It is coming from the wisdom of embodiment. Not just theory or a mental knowing, which I had. But from feeling this magic myself, and knowing the potency it has to change lives.
I feel clear in my purpose of what I have to offer other women. In my classes, writing, workshops and retreats. This is why Claiming Feminine was birthed, and why she is already spreading and evolving into a movement of juicy, powerful, potent magic.